This is a crossword puzzle done
on a runaway train;
a Scrabble game done
on a space shuttle.
The words will connect,
it'll just take a moment.
1. There was this rotten flic
I'd seen w/ a newly implanted
family, they're called invasive weeds
in The Plant Kingdom, & this golden
retriever dog that pan-handles loving
brown eyes to them.
The kids- a teenage daughter, whose
carbon dating is past 35 yrs, & a
bratty Paul McCartney- want to
keep the mutt since they haven't made
friends w/ anyone yet, but the father-
an actor we've seen for a 100 yrs,
Mr. Average, Mr. Typical, Mr. Potato Head,
Mr. Great high-school quarterback turned
stellar dad, but a dad who needs to experience
a night in jail or a black eye or a
migraine headache,- doesn't
want the dog.
But, he, too, is won over by those deep
brown blobs of innocence, and rolls
out the welcome mat & flea guard
for this wandering Rin-Tin-Tin.
2. This here is the fumble,
the stray from the straight & narrow.
My friends & I went to this dubious
massage parlor a few yrs back.
The kinda place that shoulda had a trap-door
near the entrance, sprung it, then shipped
our drunk asses to Shang-hai.
It happened to many a horny American Sailor
100 +yrs back in coastal cities.
Hell, Portland offers tours.
3. So, anyway, the Nuclear Brady Bunch takes
the dog in only to discover that it's knocked-up
& ready to drop a load any minute.
And she does-
So the family, whose surname I still don't know,
has 7 hungry dogs to deal with.
Now the father has blown-off nearly two weeks
at a new job to come home
& wet-nurse a squabbling wife &
two squirming kids in their microscope-slide dilemmas
w/ the dogs, audience chants along:
What to do? What to do?
4. So we end up at this Korean massage parlor
w/ dusty exercise equipment in the front half
& we're all escorted into different areas.
There's two working-women & one
stereotyped Madam w/out the
long cigarette holder & Rhesus monkey
on leash.
My encounter begins w/ Korean Girl #1
who asks me in very medical way
to remove my clothes, for she will
give me a shower first.
And lemme tell ya, it was the most thorough
shower I've had.
A car-wash couldn't have gotten me
this clean.
Bill, as I found out later, was showered
by the Madam. We were the lunch-rush
& they were under-staffed.
It's like the restaurant manager bussing tables,
only he isn't a 70 yrold Korean prune telling
your turtled penis to "Come out, come out.
Don't be shy."
Then I was led into an office w/
dimmed lights, loud, local, radio station blaring
current trash, and a Doctor's couch replacing
a desk.
A wastebaket nearby vomited
only crumpled kleenexes.
So naked & cold & not knowing
the exact etiquette of how to approach
things, K.G.#1 asks me how much
money I have.
"I've got $60," I told her.
"Ah, you got more, you got more."
"That's for comic books & beer."
"Gimme."
"Alright."
So for $90 I got the
vibrating mall-chair massage
& a happy ending.
There were incidences
in between: Like me getting
lectured for biting her nipple
& her chanting choppy porn dialog,
like a Chatty Cathy doll w/ the wrong tape
& a dying battery.
But why concentrate on
these things.
So the Family Feud members
decide to plop a Free Dog sign
in their front lawn, right next
to their local congressman's.
Various stooges, like a prison line-up,
come to gawk & take the pups.
Of course the kids have nicknamed
them all cutsie names, and they tell all
the visitors this:
"Her name is Princess Sunbeam, and
his name is Bandit.
You can't re-name them or they'll
suffer identity crisies."
(Place Laugh Track here.)
When our X-rated Outer Limits encounter was over,
& cash paid, KG#1 led me
to the antique exercise equipment room.
Mike was already there, sitting
on a rickety love seat.
So I sat next to 'im & we
started whispering, trading notes,
like a couple school-girls at an
after Prom party.
While in the center of sharing
our high-lights, KG#1 comes
back into the room, all flustered.
She was shaking her hand like a
PSA about Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, then
asked if we were drinking
before we arrived here.
We admitted to just a couple-
The same reply we'd give a cop
or a concerned parent.
"Well, you no drink when you
come here.
My arm hurt, my arm hurt."
We knew immediately what caused
that skinny arm to pain &
it wasn't typing lessons.
So we started laughing like a
couple of squeezed blowfish.
"Why you chuckle?
This no funny!"
Later, once Bill joined us, we went
to nearby bar & pieced together
our stories.
Bill, as we guessed, couldn't climax.
So after 10 minutes or so of hard work,
KG#1 got angry & threw a hot towel
onto Bill's groin.
5. The mother dog was going through
a lonely spell & was stopping at
every other house,
barking.
Waiting for a reply.
That's kinda how we got
into that situation.