|May 2004 / Volume Five / Issue Two|
|"Stan Jablonski: Zombie Hunter"
When there's no more room in HELL the dead will walk the EARTH.
And on that glorious, glorious day, Stan Jablonski will be a man!
When the former United States is inexplicably overrun by hordes of the
walking dead, an ungodly obscenity so foul it rivals the coffee at my
office, and Alaska is annexed by Canada, and Hawaii is obliterated by
Godzilla and Rodan, and there is no hope for outside help, Stan Jablonski
will rise above.
He will roam the countryside in his fantasy art airbrushed tractor trailer
hauling a Winnebago hauling a wood-chipper, beckoned by the monotonous collective moans of "brains brains brains." And as the townspeople and villagers begin to hear the haunted voices slowly die off one by one, they will know that it is Stan Jablonski reducing the choir to disconnected soloists.
Now, I'm not one to use the term "Magnificent Undead Corpse Grinding
Bastard" loosely, but if ever a man deserved such a title, it'd be Stan
Jablonski. He will master the essential survival skills of the apocalypse,
like how to siphon gasoline, hotwire a car, make grackle jerky, and place a
bullet between the eyes of a very slowly moving target at 300 yards! He'll
be like the Johnny Appleseed of zombie destruction, liberating towns and
practicing finishing lines like, "I'll see you in Hell,... Stinky..."
In the heartland of America, fathers will open their zombie-proof cellars
and ask Stan to protect their beautiful daughters, to which he'll respond,
"My apologies, sir, but I've only come here to do two things: decapitate
zombies and pillage comic book stores, and your shit-ass town ain't got no
comic book stores."
Because the post-zombie apocalypse will be a collector's paradise! All
you've ever desired, there for the taking! An entire doomed landscape of
"Finders keepers; losers brains eaten!"
Not only will Stan Jablonksi have a copy of Amazing Fantasy #15, the first appearance of Spider-Man, but he'll have 427 copies! His tractor trailer, a roving Mylar-protected comics library, will be the stuff of geek legend!
In the newfound freedom of this immoral anarchy, one of Stan's secret vices will be to hunt down his childhood bullies, kill them, wait six hours for their resurrection, and kill them again. A small price to pay for freedom from terror, I say.
In the future, Stan Jablonski may be rolling into your town, dropping
monsters into wood-chippers, and looting comic book stores.
But until that opportunistic sign of the apocalypse arrives, Mrs. Jablonksi,
Stanley needs to turn his homework in on time, change out of his sweatpants, and comb his hair, otherwise he will not graduate 8th grade and he will never, ever get a date to the cotillion.