July 2004 / Volume Five / Issue Three / Online
Matt Smith
A Massive Stroke of Genius

"It doesn't matter how long
it is, dumbass," I said.

"Mine is longer, you gotta admit that,"
my friend said.

"Long, wide . . . none of that shit matters,
it's mass that you're really after."

"What's that mean?"

"Listen, you could have
a twelve incher that's only as wide
as a pencil or you could have something
that looks like a tuna can. 
What I'm saying is you gotta take
into account every aspect of the unit,
not just linear measurement."

"Well . . . how can we tell who's is bigger?"

"Water displacement, it's the only way."

The ugly sun came up
over the apartment complex. 
Two staggering figures on
the second floor balcony
cursing at the dying moon, 
cocks and balls in coffee cups
spilling water through the beams.