September 2004 / Volume Five / Issue Four
K. C.  Ruttan
So I poured myself another glass of scotch.

She hadnít called me
busy working girl.
I still wanted to fall in love with her.
but she wouldnít like that.

I had cum earlier
to a picture of
a young blonde.
She had a little tummy.
She had a look about her
a certain expression on her face.
I hate it when they try to look sexy
or confident.
I hate it when they try to look angry
or victimized.
She looked...
normal.
happy.
Like it was her loving boyfriend.
It was the look
of a real girl.
I came to that.

I
watched some TV.
thought about how much
my ex liked taking baths with me,
smoking cigarettes,
drinking beers,
having foamy coffee drinks.
Thought about eating cheese and crackers
with a best friend I donít talk to anymore.
Tried to call my ex.
Smoked.
took a nap.
smoked again.

She
thinks I should
take more advantage of my days off.
She
thinks I should
go for a hike in the mountains.
or
take some photographs.
or
lie in the sun and get some color.
She
tells me that I am pasty
and scrawny.
She
always asks me what I did on my day off
I
always have the wrong answer.

She
called me while I was writing.
We
talked about work.
About friendship.
About other people having it worse.
about abstinence leading to personal growth.
I
tried to talk her out of it.

I
think I might have halitosis
from alcohol cigarettes and food.
I
think that Fresh Burst Listerine burns a lot.
I
just want her to want to kiss me.

Reviewing my day:
vacuumed,
napped,
pet the dog,
watched television,
drank,
smoked,
scrubbed the tub,
bought toilet paper,
drank coffee,
jerked off,
wanted the phone to ring,
didnít leave a message for my ex,
reheated tuna noodle casserole,
reheated stew,
did laundry,
cheese and crackers,
nilla wafers,
bought work shoes on the internet,
took a shower,
popped a zit,
pooped,
listened to Primus,
talked to her before she went to bed,
wrote some shit down.

I
thought about:
cheese and crackers
masturbation
bathing
smoking
drinking
acne
rock music
work
waiting
hiking
adapting
and nostalgia.

So I poured myself another glass of scotch.