you know
I still think about
those times
when you used to
come home from work
and go through
three or four
24-ounce tall cans
of Coors or Budweiser
you loved cheep beer
after the second
or third one
it would start
and I could see it
starting and
working
your eyelids drooping
your face
ugly and unshaven
with a dumb grin
thinly widening
revealing missing teeth
and wrinkles
accentuating your
ugliness
and you'd turn off
the TV and
turn on the
bathroom radio
loud
playing The Doors
you loved Jim Morrison
singing along
as best you could
in broken English
banging your fists and
imitating the song's tempo
on the walls
then
the smile would go away
my mom
would come home
from work
to this
and get angry
and almost
have the confidence
to confront you
and argue
almost
but
it would be
too late
and you'd be
too drunk
and my metal
baseball bat
from little league
would end up in
your grip
and our
Van Nuys apartment
#5
would emit
disturbing sounds
frightful sounds of war
glass shattering
walls shaking
children crying
then you'd put down the bat
and almost look guilty
almost
ashamed, sweaty
torn shirt
stumbling
over beer cans
with furniture overturned
the TV set on its face
broken
your sons in tears
trembling in shock
your wife
defiant, pretending
to be in control, fearless
and feeding her children
sugar cubes to calm
their nerves
but with wet eyes
that could never hide
any fragment of truth
then you ran your fist
through the living room window
I still remember
all that blood
spilling out from
your forearm
a continuous stream
like dark red piss
but it didn't seem to bother
you
it's as if every time
you got drunk
nothing
and certainly no one
could touch you
not your shit-job
your sons
not all the bills
your wife and the
humbling and insulting
fact that she
has a better job
the rent
your annoying in-laws
nothing
and certainly no one
I remember your eyes
right then
dark brown, beautiful
lazy insanity
glimmering like two huge specks
of grounded coffee
I remember you
that way
strong, nasty, bleeding
unfeeling, dangerous
and I wanted to be
that way
just like that
just like you
the way I saw it
then
was that if life
had the ability to turn
you into one of
those people from that day
if life could assign
either role
drunk or victim
then I would much rather
stop being the victim
so
I've been drinking
ever since