October 2005 / Volume Six / Issue Five
Debbie Kirk
Iím an asshole

Iím such an asshole
I go shopping in my pajamas and sunglasses
I cut in line
I duck if I see anyone I know

Iíll take a parking space youíve been waiting for
For twenty fucking minutes
Because I donít care if you hit my car
I donít have insurance
Itís a miracle every time it starts
And Iíve got some munchies to grab
While this buzz is still strong

I wont ask you how your day was
And Iíll kill you all with my second hand smoke

If you are my friend
You wont hear from me for months or even years
Then I will call you up or email you
At some ridiculously inopportune time
To ask you to get me pot
You will make the arrangements
And Iíll be awkward and condescending when we make the transfer
Because Iíve grown so introverted
That I cant deal with social situations
The cycle will repeat itself and you wont hear from me again
For months or years

If you loan me money when you are drunk,
I will lie and tell you you didnít.

I would drink your last beer
Smoke your last smoke
Eat your last candy bar
And use your last tampon
Iíd even not answer the phone
For days and days
And I donít

People donít call anymore
Sometimes I wonder if I should care
Im an asshole
And I love to go grocery shopping in my pajamas and sunglasses